Not Right or Wrong...Just Different
I am an encourager by nature. At the car dealership where I work, my job entails making customers feel comfortable and confident that we will fix whatever ails their car. When I am not at my 9 to 5, I am a Life Coach, Pre-Marital Instructor and Marriage Mentor. I am all about encouraging others…which is curious, because I tend to be hard on myself!
Don’t get me wrong, I am no Pollyanna. The skies are never truly blue in my world…and just to make life interesting, my husband is my complete opposite in nature. He has a perpetually positive outlook on life. So when he once pointed out to me that I am a glass half-empty type of person, I immediately countered his point (insert snarky tone here) with, “I’m not half empty, I’m a realist. I see how things really are…I’m not a pie-in-the-sky thinker like you!”
I realize that I am speaking to both halves of the human population right now–the pessimists and the optimists. Over the last eighteen years I have interviewed more couples than I can count–most preparing for marriage and some, sadly, considering divorce. Through this process I discovered that most couples have one thing in common –they are polar opposites in the ways they view life. A pessimist (realist!) is often attracted to an optimist and visa-versa. I find this fascinating. Could it mean that we need a little more than our own perspective to more accurately interpret this adventure we call life?
I know that I do. It took many years of marriage before I understood that my husband’s optimistic nature did not mean that he was unrealistic about things. He was simply hopeful and positive. He wasn’t right or wrong…just different from me. In turn, my cheerful husband learned that my perspective in certain instances was based on my own experience. Not right or wrong…just different.
Here is an illustration: I tend to get really bummed out when plans my husband and I have made suddenly go awry. One night, hubby and I had agreed to go to dinner and a movie after work. I had looked forward to the evening all day, so when he came home from work too late to make it to the show, I protested. I let him know I was very disappointed that our night out was ruined. He responded in his typical optimistic fashion—by stating that we could just choose to do something else that night. It was his nature to see the silver lining, whereas my nature kept me focused on the clouds. This left us very frustrated with each other. And because we didn’t see the situation the same way, we spent the evening arguing about who was right and who was wrong. It became clear to us that we needed a better way to communicate around our different natures.
Through the years my husband and I have learned to accept and even accommodate our differences. For example, my husband has learned that I need a short period of time to grieve a sudden change of plans. Knowing this, he will now acknowledge my lost expectation. In fact, he will even share it and then we can move on. For my part, I am no longer annoyed by his positive spin on situations beyond our control. I have learned to value my husband’s silver lining point of view. His positive slant is exactly what I need to pull myself out of the funk I get into sometimes. Over the years, my husband has learned that my half-empty (realistic!) take often merits a second look at the situation.
It is encouraging to know that God made us–He knows us inside and out. Even more encouraging is that as long as we draw breath, He is at work transforming us more and more into the image of his Son. As sons and daughters created in his own image, He uses the covenant of marriage to refine us and make us holy.
I am exceedingly grateful for the opportunity God has given us to grow as individuals in our marriage. We used to get frustrated with each other because of our different points of view. We used to believe that the prism through which we viewed life was the right one, and the other’s was inarguably wrong. Thank God for showing us that neither of us was in the wrong—we were just different. And the difference was part of his plan all along.
We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. Romans 12:6
