When To Call a Time-Out
Last weekend my dear hubby and I had a whopper of an argument. To be honest, it was more like a nuclear meltdown. Typically we get along together very well, having spent years studying, practicing and teaching on marriage relationships. In short, we know better. So what happened?
Our fight began over a parking space. Sounds silly I know, but what really happened is this–my husband was driving us through a busy shopping mall parking lot, the weather was bad, and I just wanted to get inside the mall as soon as possible. He looked left when he should have looked right (my opinion), and didn’t notice a certain shopper leaving the mall. He therefore missed claiming a coveted parking spot. I pointed out that if I were driving I would have found three parking places to his NONE (please insert disrespectful tone here)! To my surprise, my husband didn’t receive my criticism very well.
On occasion I’ve noticed that when my husband and I fight, we seldom stay on topic. Instead we dredge up our past failures and lob them like grenades into the conversation. That’s a little like provoking a sleeping dragon…and who knows how to wake up your dragon better than your spouse? This raises the following question: Do you know what triggers your dragon?
In her book: How to Argue So Your Spouse Will Listen, author Sharon Morris May, Ph.D. teaches that the awareness of our destructive thoughts, emotions and behaviors is the first step to relational resolution and growth. We all have triggers in us that stem from unresolved hurts, unmet expectations, personality differences, gender differences and fear. We all have sleeping dragons within just waiting to be triggered.
My trigger is disrespect, and my husband’s is feeling unappreciated. When I criticized his driving, his sleeping dragon told him that I cared more about finding the right parking space then I cared about him. This resulted in my husband becoming defensive, so naturally he retaliated with some choice criticisms of his own directed at hurting me.
So what does this have to do with calling a time out? Simply put, when an argument escalates to a place of becoming out of control, one of us needs to call a time out. Once the dragon has been unleashed, our bodies are flooded with adrenaline and we need to give them time to return to healthy levels so we can restore a sense of self-control.
So call a time out! But here’s the catch–it is imperative that the person calling the time out also set a time to resolve the issue within 24 hours. This prevents the inevitability of sweeping the issue under the rug only to resurface another day with another dragon. The conflict must be resolved in a controlled and loving way in order to repair the marriage relationship.
In their book: Mad About Us-Moving from Anger to Intimacy with Your Spouse, Authors, Gary and Carrie Oliver wrote, Anger and frustration seem to be an occupational hazard of marriage. Somewhere in the marriage process we all will become angry and frustrated with our beloved. Do I hear a resounding AMEN?
As for hubby and me, we wisely called a time out that day. The following day we sat down and hashed out our frustrations over the incident. This time calmly, and with great repentance and remorse over our previous actions. The repair process enabled us to rest in the truth that we are still in love and can continue to move forward to “fight the GOOD fight,” which for us means bringing help and hope to hurting marriages.
