How to Say "Sorry"
In 1970 Paramount Pictures released the movie LOVE STORY from the #1 bestseller of the same name. Like the book, the movie quickly became a huge hit and produced one of the most memorable lines ever spoken on the silver screen: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” The implication of this statement is that if we truly love someone, we will never hurt them; therefore we will never need to say we’re sorry. While that concept may work in the movies, the reality is that as human beings we are going to make mistakes. It is not a matter of if, it is a matter of when. And when we have offended someone, especially someone we love, knowing how to say we’re sorry in a way that is meaningful is the key to maintaining a true loving relationship.
My husband and I are both stubborn, competitive people, and when we were newlyweds we argued a lot. Mostly about silly things, but the silliest of all were the arguments over my husband’s apologies. My hubby’s apology language was simple; “I’m sorry” is all he needed to hear so it was all he said after an offense. The problem was it didn’t work as well for me. Whenever he would tell me he was sorry I would wait for more. Noticing my blank expression, my husband would then repeat those two words exactly as he said them before. At this point I would accuse him of “not being sorry,” and a new argument would ensue over whether or not he was REALLY sorry. What we eventually discovered was that we needed to learn a new language, an apology language, and once we did it revolutionized our marriage.
We learned that there are five languages of an apology:
“Expressing Regret” is the Apology Language That Zeros in on Emotional Hurt.
For those who listen for this type of apology a simple “I’m sorry” is all they look for, provided the apology is from the heart. This apology gets right to the point and doesn’t attempt to make excuses. “Expressing regret” takes ownership of the offense.
“Accepting Responsibility” Is Admitting When We Have Made a Mistake.
All many people want to hear are the words, “I am wrong.” If the person apologizing neglects to accept responsibility for their actions, their partner may not feel as though the apology was sincere.
“Making Restitution” Is Essentially Saying, “What Can I Do to Make it up to You?”
If your mate is the type of person who believes in justice for a crime committed, they may feel the same way towards apologies.
“Genuinely Repenting” Is the Language That Says, “I Will Try Not to Do This Again.”
Some people may doubt their spouse’s apology is sincere if it is not accompanied with an expressed commitment to change their behavior.
“Requesting Forgiveness” Is Asking, “Will You Please Forgive Me?”
Some people need assurance that their mate recognizes their need for forgiveness, and they want to hear their spouse verbally ask for it. By asking for forgiveness, a partner is really asking their mate to assure them of their love.
It was comforting to me when I discovered that my husband’s apology language was “Expressing Regret.” As I mentioned earlier, he was satisfied with a simple, “I’m sorry.” But it was a huge “ahh ha” moment for my husband to learn that I was an “Accept Responsibility” with a side of “Request Forgiveness” gal. Naturally we still argue at times–after all, we are both stubborn and competitive–but now we communicate so much better because we’ve taken the time to learn each other’s language. We have learned that part of learning to love well is learning to say you’re sorry.
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32
